BRIAN: i tuck the hood of my hoodie behind my ears// i am tired of hiding my face// i am tired of being scared of someone finding out my true feelings//i hope that i can say certain things without anxiety taking over my brain// i just want to stop torturing myself for the things i fucked up on ALPHONSE: post-rain corduroy bullshit bypasser: you know my hands i know yours more TYLER: i can't sleep// petrichor's// in my sheets// more and more

I won't pick myself up just to hit the ground again, I'll lay on the tracks and feel the forces above me, freight trains above me, car after car will pass, it'll come to an end and I'll still be laying there, dead or alive I'll still be laying there, I'll still be laying down afraid to get up, afraid I'll die if I don't just lay down, afraid I'm already dead because I never got up, afraid of not being afraid and perplexed by the idea of having any other option, I'm going to let it all pass until I do, and in ways I have, I'm not sure where I went or where I'm going, one day I'm going to stand up and face it head on, head off, the moment I take action, the action will take me. The last thing I'll see is a face, the face of what I had, the face of what left me, what destroyed me as it parted, what built me up only to let me down, to throw me off a cliff and let me crash, leaving me crippled just thinking of what was, what could've been and what never will be, I'm the product of my broken environment, don't follow me, don't pity me, do me a favor and find me a magical cure, find me a magical resolution or let me pass, leave while you can, I was struck, struck from a mysterious object that came flying out of the darkness, I've gone blind, I can't see the future, struck so hard I’m nearly paralyzed, almost completely unable able to move, I'm letting everything pass only because everything is what destroyed me, I won't stand up just to fall down, I won't even try, it's not worth the risk, what built me up only broke me down at the foundation, I'll never stand again, I feel I'll never be ready, I'll always be the crippled soul, a mind departed from its broken body, the broken mind wandering through life all alone, see me as you die, die inside, die slowly, know I've been there and you're in for the worst, you could end it while you still have the chance, there are no second chances, you'll live as you die, you’ll slowly fade, you won't be strong enough to finish the job, hear my fragile voice echo, see my broken body, you'll be here one day, one night you'll wish you ended it. Not a call for help, this is a call for a miracle, a miracle that won’t happen, this is screaming at the top of my lungs with torn vocal chords that couldn’t mutter a whisper, this is me gouging my heart out and ripping it apart because I don’t know what the fuck else to do, this is me slashing myself with the broken glass from the rage shattered mirror that only showed my imperfections, this is a soulless body and a tortured soul, this is taking account for what is and what isn’t, what I was and what I’ll never be, what I could’ve been and what I can’t be, this is everything I don’t have the strength to hold onto, the things that eat me alive but I can’t manage to let go of, this is the coming of everything, this is what left me crippled, this is coming to terms with living out my days, this is me accepting things won’t get better, setting low expectations in hopes there’s a possibility they’re surpassed, all of this is the complete adjunction of the nothingness within me that I can’t let go of, this is everything I hate, the nothingness that feeds the demons residing in my mind, the demons birthed from tragedy, it seems that nothing ever came from any good or that there was never anything good to come from, there was nothing, nothing but that which left me as I am, what I never even considered and what I certainly never aspired to be, but don’t dwell on me, I’m doing more than enough of that myself, now’s your time, go on your own terms, go on your own terms, now’s the time, end it all or stand up tall, end it all or stand up tall or find a place to sit down, sit down and watch it all pass by you, see what happens, see just how fucked up it all really is, one day you’ll think you’re ready to get back up, to stand up tall, you’ll just begin to try and your muscles will give out, they’ll give out and you’ll be laying there on the tracks just like me, you’ll lay there looking up just thinking about how it all came crashing down, how you sat content for far too long and how there was no coming back for you, these thoughts will haunt you till the end of your days, it’ll take every ounce of strength you have left to pick your head up, it’ll be your final stand, you’ll pick your head up just to have it taken off, I’ll take my final stand when I’m ready, I’ll face it all, head on, head off, the moment I take action, the action will take me, there’s no other way. The last thing I’ll see is my face, the face of what could’ve been but what will never be.

I’ll be your lady, sunflower dress. I’ll kiss your chest. You make me so sick, I want you bad- what I can’t have. Take me in your car, take me in your bed. My brain is half dead. I’m food for cats to eat and shit. Don’t waste your time on it. I feel like leaving. I feel so gone. I owe you one. You say you’re moving, so far you’ve just been still. You took your pill. Take me in your car, take me in your bed. Punch me in my head. I’m soil for rats to burrow in. I will ferment. You make me so sick. I want you bad, or what I can have. I’ll be your lady, sunflower dress. I’ll kiss your chest.

I swear that I once felt your cold, dead hands reach up and pull me under. Condemned to a set of lungs filled with water, words seem so trite under an icy tide. Please let me go, you are my anchor in the worst of ways. Please lend me shade, you are my Sun on the longest days. My dear, dead weight. How quick we are to forget the ones we love. How slow we are to let go of those that only bring us harm.

Frozen fingers on a long drive home, Embracing handshakes keeps me warm. Faint reminders of better days and better lifestyles keeps me stable. These cold, harsh Midwestern winters can turn anybody heartless and bitter at best. I've never felt more alive than being desperate. ~spoken word part~ AND THEN YOU WATCH IT ALL BURN You took yourself five hundred miles away, but at what cost? You drove your friends and family away, but at what cost? I'm so

i didn't ask you to fall in love with me i never told you to fall for everything i know we fucked, and i felt awful about it i didn't even tell you that i can't stand sex when you hold me, i just want to breathe and when you kiss me, i feel like shit i was lonely, and now i'm stuck i feel like shit, like a shitty human being and i want to be friends, 'cause i like your friends but by fuck, i just can't stand you it's like this with every girl i meet first night i love them with all my heart second night she'll ask me what's wrong sunday morning comes and i'll be gone all it took was one quick glance and three years to the day, you'd be mine 'cause you were wrapped up in me, even though i didn't keep track of time and i'm a let-down; i'm just like your dad i'll even put your daddy issues to the side i won't laugh or bark at you when you cry but i won't care enough to make you smile and i really do like that you like jawbreaker and i really do think you're beautiful and i really do want to be your friend and i really do know we can't work out and i really do tell the truth except for all these things i can't say to you you and your friends should get dorm-room-drunk i really do think that's what's better for you

Blotted lines seep through chasms Forged of a loveless foundation Lungs fill with smoke, burning A sweet release of tension Panic sets in as the day fades Another forgotten routine Another line marked through The desolate If thy right eye offend thee Pluck it out. Pluck it out. And if thy heart beats for another I'll pull it from your chest The desolate memories And I'm hanging here from my heartstrings I'm waiting for another Alas, blasphemer. succumb to your desires Disharmony is measured in manufactured truth But the sanctity of honesty Albeit painful, is a liberating force Like moths are drawn to flame I am a victim of the gravity you emit. Fight back, resist, but your reign is inevitable My head hangs in shame at your triumph And I'm still waiting here for something to give me hope I'm drowning, I'm drowning Blotted lines seep through chasms forged of a loveless foundation Lungs fill with smoke, burning, a sweet release of tension And I'm still waiting here for something To give me hope I'm drowning.

I sit and stare and I'm watching I sit and stare in a fixed point I sit and stare and your walking I stretch my eyes just to maintain the broadest focus unmoved by time unmoved by matter it doesn't matter when has it ever mattered? now I am in this fixed point staring at a wall looks like a window in this corner this breath satiates an outsider an outsider.

I'm forgetting all the street signs, all the shortcuts I used to take to purge myself of the hatred I feel when I'm awake. Erase me. Erase it all. I'd gladly give away these vibrant hues of blue and gold if I could only put down this cross and rest these tired bones. The gentle quiet after the first snow turns to a dark depressing winter. I'm slowly dying just like these trees. My branches ache under the weight. You can keep all recollection. I've become that old man in the Lois Lowry book. The one with the desolate eyes fixated on the ground. All these disappointments, they're taking their toll. There's a reason I can't look anyone in the eyes anymore. There's a reason I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. There's a reason I can't look at you. There's a reason that I can't.

Down, down the rabbit hole.. With your feet first, throwing caution to the wind, you're so mistakingly fixated on the concept of doing, you say "carpe diem, sieze the day" but do you really care? If you were to die tomorrow would I remember your name?

I haven't slept in my bed in a while Now I prefer nights on couches and blankets covered in smiles I've spent the past few days fucked out of my mind but now I'm okay They say I'm changing for the worse it's what I wanted all along driving down some Indiana road with the radio to sing along I cut my pubic hair off with safety scissors for you I'll spend the next few days alone and sad for now I'm okay before I cut off all my friends They say I'm changing for the better I don't know why I read a self-help book but still nothing I do turns out right.

A Calmer Room 5 song CS demo coming soon...

"The red washing down the bathtub, can't change the color of the sea at all" -Derrick Brown the choices I make are the ones that i fear because every single time i lose someone dear this razor looks so delicious how it would run across my wrist so violent so malicious how slow how painful how deserving there is nothing to this such a waste of space with no one to remember such a regretful face there is no god there is no place where everybody is happy with their slaving grace you are all making a mistake the ground is our home and no matter what path we take all roads lead to rome go home

GREAT RESPONSE EMO AS TEAMWORK.

do you get off on this or something? stop laughing, it's not funny. isn't he your friend? you're cutting down these kids like they're nothing to you? I for one am sick of the way they still help you create any art, or support you or your habits. maybe you'd be thankful if you fucking knew how. because ever since I met you, you've shown me where your heart lies, creating that image for yourself for everyone to know you by. they break and bend and kneel. this isn't about me, or how I've felt. this is all the times I've wanted to spill this out. if I can't sleep until 5 in the morning then maybe you need to reassess your indifference. maybe own up to your actions. oh, you don't have to, don't worry. 'cause we all know no one makes you do anything. we all know you're the one calling all the shots. we all know you're lying and you're god damn proud, and it feels like I've been set up. if she's sick of me she's sick of me, but you're a sickness to everyone.

if you're looking for an invitation look no further than the sheets on your own bed i left a letter on the table near your pillow between the empty bottle and regrets i left there i fell asleep and won't wake up i burned the key i fucked it up i wrote a letter, never sent it those things we said, we never meant it

Have you ever thought, “Is it ever easier than this?” It’s like I’m waiting on an answer when I haven’t asked a single question yet. You don’t seem like you. You’re not acting like yourself today. Who am I? Who am I to you? My head was stuck in the clouds just ten feet up off of the ground. Slurred talk from a bitten tongue of love lost and the ties we let dissolve, I can’t say we were ever wronged, but we were better then. We were better then. Despite truth in the words we threw about, there’s not an honest tongue between our mouths. And you speak as if someone else’s words keep pouring out. So much for the wild youth. A loose circle of selfish sons, we were all good kids, good kids doing wrong. If the body’s a machine I can swallow some gasoline to put the fire back in my gut. Feel the warmth, know that it’s there, spitting up smoke and charcoal into the air. I could share it if you wanted to kill the old, apathetic you. There’ll be a glowing pain in your chest, and all at once you’ll be lighting up this shadowed house. For your new friends, your dead friends, they’re here for the celebration. It’s your new life. It starts now, and everyone is here just for you, kid, the birthday boy. So leave your bags; don’t pick them up. We’re pouring out half-empty cups. We’re learning how to live. So put on your bravest face, and don’t you think of sink or swim: just jump in. We’ll be all right for the rest of our lives. We’re forgetting all our names. It’s just how it seems to me.

you made it subtle, with feigned indifference; appearing blank but not quite empty. i raised a glass to our shore town. you called me boyish, and left me to think about it. i'm not your pharmacist, or the man who made you sick. i clasped you in the palm of my hand yet you fell through the cracks in my fingers. unfinished paintings litter her bedroom. under the surface i picture my figure. glossed over collages of sapphire, i lay latent, neither treated nor varnished. abandoned brushes, with bristles all matted, are left to dry on the floor of your attic. convinced there was so much else to tend to, i dried halfway to life on her dresser. so i crawled into your head and i robbed you of your sleep, while you resurrected me just for closure and relief. my nerves paused to take a breath, as if asking for a truce, while you resisted love to fuel trustafarian pursuits. that same night i dreamt of you, the earth shook me to my core. gold thread wrapped around my neck as i collapsed onto the floor. on a highway far away, i indulge my former self, tracing back my every step to remember what i lost.

i want to share something personal here im shy I dont love her, i love the idea of her........... I shouldve said sorry... Why couldnt i stop myself? it's all my fault i fucked up both our lives she's better off without me i turned my head... and just left i love you...